If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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