I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
