My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
