his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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