my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
