dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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