Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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