New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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