He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
