i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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