yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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