you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
