The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just want to make out with him forever
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
