dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
