why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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