I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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