i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize