they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
