yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
