The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
