how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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