Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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