I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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