my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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