im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
