Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
