If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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