grandma shit on top of the toilet
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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