When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?