I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."