I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.