I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
