Having a random hookup so left but love u
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
