watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
