Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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