I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
