If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
