I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
