i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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