I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
