Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
