Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
