It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
