do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
