Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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