Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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