I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
