Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
