Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
