What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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