You made me cry and you don't even care
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
