I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
