No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
