Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
