Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
