Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
