Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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