maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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