yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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