I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
